


Erase your mind

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff, LMAO, M/M, Oneshot, Tooth Rotting Fluff, Treebros, kliensen, they smooch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23451505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Evan didn’t know what to do anymore. He wanted to cry, he wanted to vomit, he wanted to throw himself off a bridge. Answer D, all of the above.Or: some treebros smooching
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 89





	Erase your mind

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: none really? I mean there’s some super super super super brief mentions of like depression but that’s it really. 
> 
> Oof enjoy this magnificent trash I wrote for like a month.
> 
> Also I’m prob gonna be posting more one shots and perhaps a three shot in the near future cause quarantines got me bored af. So stay tuned for that.

Evan didn’t know what to do anymore. He wanted to cry, he wanted to vomit, he wanted to throw himself off a bridge. Answer D, all of the above. 

he didn’t know what he wanted to do. So he made the very smart decision to throw his pillow at his wall, sending all the contents of the self above his bed flying everywhere. 

_ Shit.  _

First he couldn’t control his feelings now he can’t control his actions. He doesn’t have an ounce of control left.  _ Fuck.  _

Thank god there wasn’t anything breakable on the shelf, it was just books. Letting an annoyed sigh escape his lips he moved to pick them up, setting everything back together like nothing ever happened.

Erase his mind and move on. 

It’s the only way he can live with himself. Because remembering all the stupid things he said, laying awake at three am makes him want to actually die. Makes him wish he could magically just go back in time, and redo  _ everything.  _ Because maybe if he concentrates enough and squeezes his eyes hard enough he could. It never works obviously. 

He wishes he could just redo the whole day.

First off he woke up late, which already makes the day shit. Being tired all day isn’t ideal. Jared was being extra annoying today, Evan fell for all of his joe mamma and yuri-tarded jokes that were never funny in the first place. When his musical theatre told him to keep up the good work on his scene he replied with “thanks you too!”, and honestly  _ good work on the scene _ was the saddest pity complement of the century, he was  _ shit  _ at the scene. Not only that but He tripped on his own feet in the cafeteria in front of  _ everyone. And _ He tried to be funny at lunch, no one laughed. Plus, Kids were definitely talking about him in the halls as he passed. 

And most of all he wished his heart wasn’t beating a million times a second whenever he saw Connor today. 

Erase mind, move on. 

He just feels so disgusting.

Who the hell is completly gay for their best friend? Why was Evan so  _ obsessed  _ with him? And most importantly why did Connor have to wear his hair in a bun today?

Evan never really understood the dress code rules, seeing girls shoulders never really bothered him. Which was weird because Jared completely obsesses over seeing a slightly revealing top on a girl. Was it weird to not be attracted to that? Well not attracted to it if he didn’t already have feelings for that girl. Whatever. 

Either way, it should be completely 100% dress code for Connor Murphy’s jawline to be showing. 

Not only is it a safety hazard, it could quite literally  _ cut  _ someone. But it sent Evans' heart into doing a weird flip thing continually, distracting him from doing  _ anything.  _ Like literally anything.

All he could do was just stare at him. 

But seriously, Connor should wear his hair like that more often. 

Evan just felt so gross, Not that liking the same gender was wrong, he just never thought  _ he  _ would fall into that category. But now he’s falling. And he’s falling  _ hard.  _

That’s the other problem. He shouldn’t be falling, he shouldn’t. It’s Connor, his best friend. His  _ newest friend.  _ The same kid who threw a printer at his second grade teacher. The same kid who pushed him in the cafeteria. The same kid who apologized to him and then they became friends somehow. 

he shouldn’t keep a hair tie he stole from Connor on his wrist at all times.He shouldn’t even like it. It smelled like hair shampoo and weed and some off brand cologne. 

But somehow it felt comforting to smell it, something to remind him that he wasn’t completely alone. That he still had Connor. It got to the point where Evan fell asleep with his wrist stuck on his nose to breathe it in all night. It just makes him feel better. It’s probably the weed. 

At this moment Evan is doing just that, pressing the elastic band to his nose in hopes it would calm him down a little. Make him feel less gross somehow, but actually it just made him feel worse.

He was smelling his  _ best friend's _ hair tie because it  _ smelled like him?  _ That’s just fucking creepy. 

Even worse, it was losing the smell of him. 

Eventually it would just smell like Evan. It would smell boring, and just become a part of him. He would probably just throw it away or sneak it into his mom's drawer when it did. It had no purpose anymore. 

Flopping down on his bed keeping the hair tie on his nose he curled up on his side, hooking his headphones into the phone jack and played some relaxing music. Something to make him feel better. 

He closed his eyes, cleared his mind, moved on.

Suddenly a blaring sound met his ears instead of the peaceful music that was playing just a second earlier. Someone was calling him. 

Whoever it was he was a little bit annoyed, he was sure he told whoever this person was that he didn’t like phone calls. He turned his phone over to see who it was anyway. 

**🤡Connor🤡 is calling you**

Oh. Well, Connors is an exception.

He smiled at the clowns by his name, Connor put those in when he came over last time, he still wasn’t used to seeing them by his name.

His smile was quickly drowned away by a cold shower of worry. Why  _ was  _ Connor calling him? Last he heard Connor hated phone calls as much as him. 

There must be some reason he was calling. Something important.

Something was wrong.

His stomach dropped as he scrambled to accept the phone call. 

“Hello?” He spoke into the phone, hoping his voice wasn’t worried, Connor didn’t like it if he was worried about him all the time. 

“You're always worried all the time anyway,” he had said all those weeks ago when Evan stressed over the fact that Connor wasn't at school in the past two days. Turns out he was actually just sick, “I don’t any you worried about me too.” 

Since then he’s tried his best not to send too many texts at once, or question where he was or what he was doing. It was hard, because he knew deep down he  _ wanted  _ to worry about him. 

All he heard was breathing at first, it wasn’t quite hyperventilating, but it was much harder and more forced than normal breath. Then a soft reply, “hi…”

Small and unsure. Unlike Connor in every way. 

“Is everything alright?” Evan asked,

A few seconds passed, and Evan held his breath hoping for something,  _ anything.  _ And while this was happening his heart was racing a million times a second because  _ Connor called him, he actually wants to talk to him.  _

Then- 

“No I-“ he let go of a breath, “No, it’s not alright.” his voice shook a little bit. 

In the five months they had known each other Evan had never been so open and so connected to another person. In fact Evan knew a lot about Connor. More than anyone knew about him. 

He knew the deepest darkest things about him. He prayed those things weren’t the problem for him right now.

“What’s wrong? Do you need to come over?” 

There was silence on the other line, “I- you don’t-“ he sucked in a breath, “yeah… I just… yeah…” 

Evan pressed his lips together listening to Connors silence before speaking, “Connor I’m worried… what happened??” 

There he goes, worrying again. 

“I just- um- I’ll tell you when I get there, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

He sighed, “Okay, the door is unlocked…” 

And he hung up. No goodbye, nothing. 

Something was wrong. Something was seriously wrong. The problem was he didn’t know what, meaning he didn’t know what to do, meaning he couldn’t help Connor.

That’s all he wants is to help Connor. for Connor to know how beautiful and amazing he is. 

_ Fuck.  _

He heard the door open, he wanted to run up to Connor and just kiss everything away, make everything better. But he knew he couldn’t. And that’s probably not what Connor needs right now, more confusion. So he stayed put. Only moving to sit up on his bed waiting. 

Connor isn’t his. He will never be his, nothing so perfect could ever belong to Evan. He doesn’t deserve that. 

Soft footsteps approached his room. Be cool, be cool, be cool. His heart  _ definitely  _ wasn’t beating out of his chest right now. 

The owner of the footsteps opened the door, but only a crack. Staring back at him was Connor Murphy, standing in his doorway, like he was an intruder. Like he wasn’t meant to be there. 

Evan was still sitting on his bed wrapped in blankets, looking up at Connor with a reassuring smile (it’s impossible to not smile when looking at Connor Murphy) Trying to make him happy, he'd do anything to make him happy.  _ Anything.  _

“Come in…” Evan tried, he wanted Connor, he wanted Connor with him. He just hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt, because fortunately Connors hair was still in a messy bun. 

The intruder opened the door wider, stepping inside fully. Before sitting next to Evan on the bed, “Fuck…” he sighed crumpling into a ball.

_ Shit.  _

“You said you would tell me when you got here…” Evan said, pausing before asking, “is it okay to touch you?” Connor replied with a small nod. He reached to Connors back, rubbing in circles trying to give him some kind of pattern to follow. Something that made sense. 

Connor straightened his back, closing his eyes, clearing his mind, and moving forward, “I know…” he mumbled, “I just needed you.”

Evans' heart looped.  _ I just needed you.  _ What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

“You were so good today… what happened?” Evan questioned, 

“I know… I felt so good. And then it just- stopped.” He whispered, if he had any tears left to cry he would be sobbing, but there was nothing left. 

If there was ever a time where Evan felt useless it was now. He wasn’t sure what to do, so he just sat there, rubbing circles into Connor Murphy’s back. 

It felt like hours before anyone said anything, but eventually Connor whispered, “thank you…” 

The noise startled him. Even though it was barely anything, he had just gotten so accustomed to the silence. 

Evan chuckled, trying to shift the mood, “for what?” He gently grabbed Connors jawline, trying to lift his head up, his hand stayed there for some reason, refusing to move. 

“For- y’know, just being here.. and stuff..” He trailed off, “It helped more that you didn’t try to- fix everything…” he continued just staring at Evans' eyes, then flicking down to his lips. And Soon enough Evans' lips were pressed against Connors. He wasn’t even aware of who leaned in first, it just happened.

It was barely even a kiss to begin, just shy awkward movements against each other. It lasted no longer than three seconds, (yes Evan counted) before he pulled away. 

He was sure his expression matched the complete horror on Connors face. He could  _ hear  _ the loud strings of  _ fuck fuck fuck fuck fucks  _ in his mind, completely in terror over what he had done, but begging to do it again. Please please please. It just felt so good. 

Evan needs to apologize, he needs to say  _ something,  _ try his very best to clear his mind and move on, knowing fully well he could never move on from this. Connor would hold this against him for the rest of their friendship, which probably wasn’t going to last very long after this anyway. Still his words spilled over like a disgusting word vomit, “Oh my god, I’m so s-sorry! I shouldn’t have even- god- I’m- I’m so stupid I’m so sorr-“ 

Connor cut him off by grabbing his waist and pulling him into another kiss, more passionate this time. Still shy but more open, like Connor was trying to say everything with his lips alone.  _ I love you, I love you,  _ **_I love you_ ** _. _

At this point Evans' brain couldn’t slow down enough to tell him what was even happening. All he could feel were soft lips dancing against his, and the warm steadiness of Connors hands on him. 

Connor nibbled lightly on Evans bottom lip, which to say the least  _ did things  _ to him. The surprise made the blonde open his mouth wider, allowing Connor to slip in. _ What the fuck was happening???? _

Why was Evan okay with this? He shouldn’t be okay with this. Yet, he still allowed Connor to run his tongue along his mouth. He really shouldn’t be okay with this. 

This is Evans' best friend, his  _ only  _ friend. And now he’s making out with him on his bed. Well, at least he  _ thinks  _ this is making out, Jared said kissing is closed,  _ making out  _ requires tongue, but he’s not quite sure Jared knows anything about it anyway. Then again neither does Evan. 

Why is he letting this happen? Why isn’t he pushing Connor away? Why does it feel so good?

Why does this all feel so exciting? It’s  _ just  _ kissing after all. It’s bound to get boring eventually but it’s not. And it feels like it never will. 

Connor finally pulled away softly, letting out a brief chuckle. Evan sucked in a breath as a way of protest, he wanted to keep doing whatever they were doing. Kissing. Making out. Whatever, he just  _ wanted it _ . 

All he could do was watch him, as he tucked a chunk of brown hair behind his ear, “I- I’m uh- I’m sorry about that.” He looked over at him, expecting a response.

Evan  _ needed  _ to respond. He needed to say  _ something _ . But instead he just sat awkwardly gawking at him. He noticed Connors eyebrows knit together,  _ he was still waiting.  _

_ Fuck…. uh-  _

“Shit- I made you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have pressured you……” he said, looking even more upset with himself as he moved to get up, to try and get as far away from everything he did as he could. 

Evan grabbed his arm. 

“No I-“ he flinched as Connor looked back at him,  _ fuck his eyes were pretty,  _ but right now they were filled with so much regret, “I liked it- um- a lot. Erm- Probably too much…”

Connors eyes softened, his eyebrows undid themselves. 

The blonde continued “And- that's the problem- I- your- I mean- your my best friend. My  _ only  _ friend, well I have Jared but- you know. And- and-“ 

Connor sat back down gently as Evans thoughts kept spilling out,

“And I just felt so disgusting- I mean- when uh- when-“ He really shouldn’t name any examples that would make things weirder, yet he does, “When I slept over and you took off your shirt…. uh- I- I shouldn’t have- it shouldn’t have- I just- I’m sorry I mean I- it was pretty, really pretty. You're pretty. And I-“ 

What was he? What more could he say to dig himself deeper into this hole? Before he knew it he was crying. Fucking sobbing.

“And I- I’m sorry I worry about you so much. It’s just- I don’t want anything to happen to you. Because- because you're pretty. Like on the inside too. Your just the prettiest person ever and I just- I- I felt like I wanted to throw myself off a bridge whenever I thought of you because, all I could think about was… you, and how your so perfect and how I- how I really wanted to do that forever and how much I lo-“ he cut himself off-  _ fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  _

Holding back a sob he finished “how i- feel.. about you..” 

He couldn’t look at Connor, he was facing the opposite direction because he  _ had to. He _ physically couldn’t turn around . Every bone in his body told him  _ no. Please no.  _

This is the end of him. He just dug his own grave, Rest In Peace Evan Hansen, or just go to hell and burn for eternity like you deserve, that’s better. 

“Evan-“ Connor whispered, he was obviously scooting closer to him, he felt the bed shift and his warmth come closer. He wanted to die in Connors warmth, just stay there forever. 

Evan felt a pair of lips press against the back of his neck, as Connor moved his head to the crook of his neck. “You have no idea how much I love you.” He mumbled, 

_ What?  _

He’s pretty sure his face will never turn a normal healthy shade again. It stained red forever. 

“What- what do you mean…” he managed to say. 

He chuckled into his neck, “your so dumb of course I love you.” 

There it was again.  _ I love you.  _

He pressed another kiss to my jawline, “ I’ve loved you for so long… you have no idea, I’m surprised you never noticed… Zoe, Alana, Jared, they all knew Evan, they dropped like the most  _ obvious  _ hints on the planet. So yes, I love you, now turn around would you? I wanna see you.” 

And so he did. 

Shyly looking up and Connor, he probably looked pathetic, his eyes were probably puffy from crying, his face was probably red from blushing so much, his face was  _ bleh  _ to begin with but now it was probably much worse. How could Connor want to ever see that face? 

“Can I kiss you?” He smirked down at me, “figured I should ask this time.” 

Evan nodded and he leaned down again, it was small and shorter than the last, but it meant everything. 

It only took seconds before they were both enveloped in each other’s warmth under Evans blankets, everything just felt so perfect. 

“You smell good.” Evan mumbled into the brunette's hair. Something he’s wanted to do for forever.

“You're cute.” He replied a moment later, 

Reality crashed down again, what were they doing? Did they really just confess their gay love for each other? Were they an actual stereotype? What was going to happen after this? What  _ were  _ they? 

Evan started to breathe differently, but Connor just held him closer, “hey, hey, shhhh, I love you okay? It’s gonna be okay.” 

This time Evan wasn’t afraid to say it,

“I love you too”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Lol hope you enjoyed, should I add more chapters? Or just leave it be?
> 
> Love u guys ❤️


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